HOPE FOR THE HOME: Dealing with guilt is a heart issue to be resolved

Husband: “During the first year of marriage, I made a serious moral failure by having a brief affair with a former girlfriend. When I realized the affair would destroy my marriage, I ended it. Afterward, I confessed my actions to my wife, knowing she might decide to leave me and seek a divorce. My wife’s response was not what I expected. Although she was deeply hurt, she chose to forgive me. We both went to a Christian family counselor, but each of us needed help in different ways. I needed guidance to work through my guilt and shame. She needed counsel to help her cope with her feelings of betrayal and anger. Now after 10 years of marriage, from time to time, I still struggle with strong emotions of guilt and regret for what I allowed to happen during that first year. Should I go back for counseling?”

Jerry: You have certainly shared a great deal in a few sentences. First, the affair which occurred in your first year of marriage must have brought much heartache, despair and distress to your wife. Second, your willingness to confess your adultery showed contrition and remorse. Third, repenting infidelity was a vow that it would never happen again. Fourth, the forgiveness extended by your wife revealed a heart of compassion and forgiveness. Fifth, you are having a difficult time accepting her forgiveness.

It is this last observation I wish to address. Too much guilt seems to reveal that you have not truly accepted either the forgiveness of Christ, or your wife. If you are indeed a born-again Christian, and have confessed your sin to Christ, then an understanding of the forgiveness which He extends is missing. Ephesians 1:7 tells us, “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace…” Also, I John 1:9 deals with this very issue. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  

Becky: Let me share from a wife’s perspective. There is nothing that hurts more deeply or causes more pain in a marriage than when the bonds of trust are broken. I have counseled with numerous wives in our Hope for the Home Conferences who have shared heartbreaking stories of betrayal within marriage. The issue they most often mention first is trust. Trust and truth are joined together; when either one is missing, marriage suffers greatly. May I suggest that you whole heartedly embrace the forgiveness which both your wife and Jesus have offered. This will restore the missing link. And that is the truth.

Jerry and his wife Becky are on American Family Radio weekdays at 4:20 PM (CT) and on Sundays at 5:35 PM (CT). You can freely subscribe to their podcast at Apple Podcast, Spotify, or directly at HopefortheHome.org/podcast. Check out their resources for the family at HopefortheHome.org. Becky’s latest book, “The Bright Side of Blue” and Dr. Drace’s, “44 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage” offer biblical principles and timely advice for dealing with the challenges and trials of life. You may order these and other resources by contacting them at: hopeforthehome@juno.com, or directly at: jdeainc@juno.com.