FAITH: Hokey Pokey parenting is what it’s all about with college kids

My friend says that parenting college students is like doing the Hokey Pokey.  We’ve all sung that favorite children’s song.  

As a parent, sometimes you put your hand in when parenting your kids.  Sometimes you take your hand out.  There are times when you have to put your whole self in.  Sometimes it is necessary to take your whole self out.  Supposedly, as the song says, “That’s what it’s all about.”

I am finding that parenting older kids is indeed like doing the Hokey Pokey.  Sometimes we put ourselves in our kids’ worlds.  Sometimes, we take ourselves out.  Knowing when to do what is the tricky part of parenting.

This was the case this week when our son mentioned that he was going skydiving with some friends.  When he told us, my heart started beating fast, and I immediately thought to myself “Don’t have that look on your face.”  

Of course, mom and I wanted all the information we could get, and at the same time we didn’t want to crush his adventurous spirit.  

Knowing that a boy’s frontal lobe doesn’t completely develop until the mid-twenties, I felt my hesitancy was justified concerning a 19-year-old’s desire to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

I’ve got to admit that hurting my feet by stepping on a toy airplane in the middle of the night is one thing.  Thinking about my kid jumping out of a plane is another thing altogether.

When the boys were little and they would say they were going to do something, we always responded, “Are you asking or are you telling?”  

As the child, it wasn’t their role to tell the parent.  It was their responsibility to ask.  That was back then when they were little.  That day is gone.  Today it’s different.

I admit that when he first mentioned skydiving to me, I wanted to ask, “Are you asking for permission to jump out of an airplane or are you telling me that you are going to do it?”

Parents of college-aged students are caught between the “asking” phase and the “telling” phase of parenthood.  Sometimes, parents still need to be asked by their kids about certain things.  Sometimes, a kid merely telling parents something is appropriate.

Sometimes our older kids need to hear wisdom from their parents about a particular matter and are in fact open to hearing it.  Sometimes they don’t want to hear our wisdom and end up having to learn things on their own.  Watching your kids learn things on their own is often tough for parents but it’s a part of our children’s maturation process.

We now have fun pictures of our son wearing goggles and falling 120 miles-an-hour after jumping out of a plane at 14,000 feet.  From this parent’s perspective, the best thing about that whole situation is that it is over.  Been there, done that.  

On skydiving day, Mom was nervous all day.  Sleep was hard to come by the night before.   She is breathing a bit easier now and will get good sleep tonight.  In the words of the Hokey Pokey, we can now “shake it all about” and “turn ourselves around.”

I need to wrap this column up.  The same son just called tonight and is locked out of his truck.  It’s time for me to stick my whole self in and take him a key.

When it comes to older kids, knowing when to stick yourself in and when to take yourself out is the great dilemma of intentional parenting.  

Todd E. Brady serves as Staff Chaplain and Advanced Funeral Planner at Arrington Funeral Directors.  He and his wife, Amy have five sons.  You may write to him at tbrady@afgemail.net.