OPINION: Humanity’s basic desire for stability

There is incredible power for a child raised in a traditional two-parent family.  While some may describe such a scenario as outdated or old-fashioned and others may say that said child is “privileged,” the two-parent family—a mother and a father is the created-order design.

In his 2024 book Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family and Social Class, Rob Henderson relates reaching the “summit of education to understand its limitations.”  He states succinctly that he has “come to understand that a warm and loving family is worth infinitely more than the money or accomplishments I hoped might compensate for them.”

Henderson’s father abandoned him and his mother shortly after he was born.  Then, his mother succumbed to a drug addiction, making her unable to care for him.  He was then bounced from foster home to foster home (nine different homes by the time he was 8 years old) before being adopted.  Shortly thereafter, Henderson’s adoptive mother left her husband to have an affair with a woman.  Subsequently, his adoptive father severed ties with Henderson in order to retaliate against his wife for leaving.

His child psychiatrist in Los Angeles once said when Henderson was a child, “I would recommend finding a permanent and stable placement for Robert in a kind and supportive environment as expeditiously as possible, which will go far to mitigate against the potentially deleterious effects of his early experiences.”  Unfortunately, that “permanent and stable placement” never happened.

After a tumultuous high school career, Henderson entered the military.  Afterward, Henderson struggled with alcoholism and spent time in a treatment facility.

In what was an almost miraculous turn of events, Henderson was accepted into Yale University.  He excelled academically but realized the limitations of the academic elites among whom he lived.  He saw that many held what he coined as “luxury beliefs”— “ideas and opinions that confer status on the upper class at very little cost, while often inflicting costs on the lower class.” An example of a luxury belief would be that monogamy is outdated and not good for society but held by an individual who herself plans to have a monogamous marriage.  According to Henderson, a person’s support for defunding the police, drug legalization, open borders, looting or using terms like “white privilege” is to indicate his social status and education and not his commitment to his own personal behavior.  A luxury belief is a belief that a person professes, but when push comes to shove, that person doesn’t really believe what he says he believes.  In other words, his stated beliefs are matters of popularity, not conviction.

Troubled is the memoir of a man who beat the odds and looked back to say that education, wealth, and status are woefully insufficient.  In the end, those things don’t offer satisfaction or fulfillment.  Now, Rob Henderson says “I’ve heard variations of the phrase, ‘I’m grateful for what I went through because it made me who I am today.’  Despite what I’m proud to have accomplished, I strongly disagree with this sentiment.  The tradeoff isn’t worth it.  Given the choice, I would swap my position in the top 1 percent of childhood instability.  Much of my own life has been an unsuccessful flight from my childhood.  Each time I moved, each time another adult let me down, and each time I let myself down, it was like tossing a Mentos into a Coke, sealing it, and believing everything would be fine.”

Henderson shows that regardless of circumstances and age, our deepest yearning is the stability that a loving and accepting family affords.

Todd E. Brady serves as Staff Chaplain and Advanced Funeral Planner at Arrington Funeral Directors.  He and his wife, Amy have five sons.  You may write to him at tbrady@afgemail.net.